A Sexless Loser's Tale

I want to start this entry by revealing a little factoid about myself: I have never had sex before in my life, consensual or otherwise.

(Too much?)

I generally tend to feel sheepish revealing that fact to people who, for the most part, I consider close friends. Not that I feel any sort of hidden obligation to interrupt a conversation with, "Hey! Have I mentioned I'm a virgin?", but it's weird when the subject matter of sex, or, for that matter, inter-gender sensual contact is brought up, and I have to stand there with an attentive expression without ever actually adding anything. Why? Because I have nothing of value to add. Mostly theoretical stuff, in the same vein of theories about the Earth being flat.

I don't know anything about relationships with women, because, well, I've never had any. I've had friendly deals with a few, but so far the ten most important people in my life who aren't members of my immediate family all seem to be male.

I have no problems with the female race. Like any man, though, I don't understand them. In this day and age, where the concept of treating women as equals in society is almost considered an accepted fact of life, we're slowly but surely realizing just how complex the female state of mind really is. Of course, the only reason why we're just finding this out right now is because every religious and political overlord since the beginning of time has attempted to suppress this fact for their own personal gain. It wasn't until the 1960s that we were beginning to discover the long-denied fact that women are born with brains, too. And they can use those brains to solve math problems that DON'T have anything to do with cooking!

But my failed efforts to understand them falls on a different level than your average frat boy who can't discern why his significant other is so upset over the fact that he forgot their anniversary, especially since The Big Game™ was on that day. Those who have read my main journals over the years already know what my childhood consisted of: many video games, and very few friends. I didn't have the average childhood of going over to a friend's house every weekend to hang out, play Street Fighter, and then go throw rocks over fences or whatever. It was mostly me, my NES, my vivid imagination, and whatever pieces of paper I could draw on. Despite the fact that it wasn't an entirely sad childhood, it was still devoid of trust in people who were not related to me.

Unfortunately, it continued all the way up through high school, and it took many years before I managed to willingly get someone to come to my house for the purpose of conversation and general fun-having. I really don't want to delve into too much information about my life, but this was the reality and the world I faced for many years. As an obese child in a very rough grade school environment (stereotypical black/Latino school in which maybe half the kids ended up going to college in one form or another) I was faced with all the taunts and names you could possibly imagine... plus more. Unfortunately, as an obese adult, I really haven't brushed off the personal and emotional trauma it caused. And, in fact, I still have several childish fears about what many may view as the simple task of approaching others.

***

But back to the fact that I haven't gotten laid.

I'm not a willing virgin by any means. It makes for a fun lie to tell people that I haven't had sex because I'm waiting until the right woman comes along. But if I were faced with a situation where an attractive woman was drunk enough by her own means, and she thought I was worth a shot, and she wasn't totally blitzed to the point that it was disgusting... well, hell, don't wait up for me. And don't leave any coffee out for me, either.

At the same time, I have something of a moral core, possibly created by living in a Catholic household, so I don't consider unfair shortcuts (like prostitutes or roofies) to be a favorable alternative. Of course, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't compensating in some form or another, and if you haven't figured out by now as to just how I compensate, you're either under 13, stupid, or a hardcore Christian.

So, to me, sex and sexuality are like this big, ancient mystery that has great meaning, where most people just see it as a way of life. Several societies exist that do, in fact, view it as such, but I clearly do not belong to any of them. I view myself as a single island in which I, and only I, inhabit.

My vantage point, as a result, is quite the interesting one. For one thing, sexual jokes aren't as funny. (Of course, I would bet my cousin's child that a few years of regular sex in my life won't cause them to be funnier.) For another, it's easy for me to pick out who are the truly unmoralistic heathens and who are the overly staunch and judgmental fundamentalists in a sex debate. And for another, I find that having interests in various subjects and devoting to said subjects for the majority of your free time is not an altogether bad thing.

The latter has caused in me a seething hatred for people who go after innocent individuals for being a wee bit into their hobbies by calling them virgins. What have they done to you to cause you such great indignation? All they do is express themselves freely and go outside the norm of society, instead of following restrictive social mores that attempt to make everyone the same joyless individual with no personality or flavor. Does that upset you because you wish you could be just as expressive? Or do you just hate humanity in general? Okay, congratulations, you've fucked once in your life. So has pretty much everyone else in the planet. (Except me, of course.) Here's a medal, go die in your own self-made hell now.

It reflects on one absolute belief I've held about society, which is that, over the last few years, we've been putting sexuality on a pedestal for all the wrong reasons. Is it an important reality of life? Yes. Is it sort of disappointing that I haven't even kissed a woman, much less had an intimate moment in which we expressed our love in the most passionate way? Well, yeah. But am I glad I haven't dealt with anyone who's given me shit about my penis or my lack of a history? Well, it does make life easier.

The most annoying thing about the Very Real World of Sex is that there are people who treat sex as a judgment of an individual, as though it's a vital part of interaction between two people who could otherwise have synchronized personalities. Even as an expression of love, it doesn't mean much in the large scheme of things. It's a good time, yes, but attraction between two individuals should always be about the intangibles, the things that really create love in the first place. You know why there's high divorce rates? Because instead of thinking, "Is this person compatible with me and my personality?", many people are instead asking themselves, "Wow, he/she has a pretty nice butt, all things considered."

To me, the continued existence of that treatment of sex by a small but very loud and prominent portion of society makes the whole thing feel cheap, even if it really isn't. As an impartial viewer who has yet to deal with people in general for a length of more than seven days, I really don't know what kind of mindset I'm getting when I have a partner. It makes sex all the more scary to me, as though I'm dealing with my childhood all over again, and not trying to embarrass myself for fear of name calling and taunting.

Maybe some day I won't be so skeptical. It's just a matter of finding the right kind of person, and not freaking her out by IMing her about how sad it feels to be lonely or something like that. And no, it's not like I'm a complete physical mess. I actually have a pretty decent face, all things considered.

But, you know, as long as they can endure a 90-minute lecture about HTML coding from me.